Addiction

Hi. I'd almost forgot about this blog. I've been kind of......busy? Well, busy in a life-destroying kind of way.

I'm trying to quit. Trying to pull out of the idea-world. Because I got addicted. It's a drug, it really is. Blue knows drugs, but Blue does not know addiction. You can't know addiction, no one can. It's unknowable. Like Brahmin. Only more head-explodey.

I've been away from my Church, from the idea-world. Holed up at Comet's place, letting her fuss over me. I've kind of been a wreck. I went in too far. God, I went in too fucking far. I crossed lines I should not have crossed. The idea-world, so unreal, so lovely in its shiny, artificial way. A drug for the senses, that's all it is. I can't believe I got in so deep!

You're going to think I'm such a whore. But after my last post, I started really trying to communicate with the fake natives, the ram-people. They're sheep, of course...no personalities, no nothing, just gorgeous, androgynous looks. But that means they're totally passive and will do whatever you want. Tug them here, order them there. They obey. They're empty vessels needing a real person to fill them. And I filled them. Yeah, I filled them.

Yeah. I did it. It sprung from pure curiosity, a fleeting urge to know what the ram-people looked like under their clothes. Turned out they definitely had human parts, and even though you can't easily tell when they're clothed, they do come in male and female versions. So I......took advantage. It wasn't rape, okay? They're not real! They're just part of the unknown code that makes up the idea-world! And besides, they never resisted. In fact, they really got into the swing of things. The creator of the world must have made them that way...I picture him hosting huge orgies. Pervert.

Heh, yeah. Pot calling the kettle black. I thought it was harmless! It was good sex, and I told myself it meant nothing. But that was just me justifying myself. One thing an addict can always do is justify....and justify....until something happens that you can't shrug off.

I'm pregnant.

And it's real. Not just a phantom, artificial fetus in the idea-world. I'm pregnant in the real world too. I don't know how this happened. Yeah, I've had a fuckton of unprotected sex in the last month, but again, it was with people who AREN'T REAL. Oh, God, what if they are? What if the idea-world has always been real? I thought it was some kind of simulation, but....

Fuck.

You probably thought I was a guy, didn't you? Well, fuck you, Blue does not recall ever disclosing her gender, not explicitly. I hate having to admit to it....no, I don't hate being a woman, but I do enjoy the anonymity of the hacker. People assume I'm male. But now....

Comet still doesn't know. I've told her I had a one-night stand with some dude. She's playing the nursemaid, skirting around the issue of what the fucking fuck I'm going to do now. Abort it? Keep it? Is it even real? Am I going to give birth to a stream of code, ones and zeros streaming from my vagina like some hentai nightmare? Jesus.

I'm scared.