World's End

Well, it's gone. The idea-world is gone, and it's not coming back. The man who created it is dead. I saw his body, and there was no way I could've been mistaken.

I think I understand a little more now, at least about the nature of the idea-worlds. As I've always assumed, they are simulations, elaborate and impossibly real, but still only virtual. Which still does not explain how I can be pregnant if I never had sex with anyone real. Yeah, that's still a mystery....

If I seem lucid, it's because I'm high. I would probably be screaming and freaking out otherwise.

When I plugged in and returned to the idea-world, I did not find myself in the city with its glass buildings and giant ferns. There were no ram-people strolling around. Instead, I was surrounded by jagged crystals and spires, like obsidian, stretching away from me and above me, pointing at me from every direction. I recognized the vision: I'd caught a tiny glimpse of it once before. This time, I could see it clearly. I seemed to be inside a giant orb, the inside of which was lined with these jagged shards. And within the fused glass of the crystals, I made out millions of tiny lights, lights in every color of the rainbow, blinking and flickering. Like my own computer hardware. Like my Church.

I was in someone else's Church.

I was terrified, afraid of being sliced up by the shards or being unable to pull away, to return to my own real world. I didn't move, just stood and looked around. It wasn't long before I spotted the one feature breaking up the spherical landscape. He lay about a hundred yards off, body wedged in between the glassy shards and streaked with dried blood, skin like a fish's belly. I couldn't see his face, but I recognized him anyway. It was the creator of the idea-world, dead. I could not see how he'd died; there was blood but no obvious wounds. But he was dead. I watched him for a few minutes to be sure.

Eventually, I disconnected and returned to the comfort of my Church, hidden away in the old Masonic building. I was shaken and confused.....but strangely relieved. The idea-world is gone. How can it still exist, with its creator dead?

Those giant shards were computers, I think. A type of computer than was not built by any human I know of. But if they were silicon-based crystals, and if you had the proper degree of technology...yeah. I was looking at some sort of fantasical server farm. Hardware. Most certainly the hardware that generated the virtual world of Arkenesia. Someone built it, then took this random dude and stuck him in the middle of it, let his own mind create a world which the computer-shards then built as a highly realistic virtual environment. One that changed and become more complex over time, at his whim.

Like it was all some huge experiment.

I'm refusing to think about the implications right now. I'm back at Comet's place, drinking from her endless supply of tea. Soon enough I'll dwell on this information, and what I should do next. For now, I choose the calming influence of pot and herbal tea. All I feel now is nervous relief, but I fear the withdrawal symptoms may show up soon....

--Blue's Still Here

Blue's Last Stand?

I'm going to go back in tonight. I've made up my mind.

I'm going to return to my Church and then I'm going to go back into the idea-world, Arkenesia, Nerdvana, whatever you choose to call it. I'm going to find the creator of the world and confront him, admit to him what I've been doing and that I'm pregnant. I have to.

I got myself into this mess and I need to own up. As beautiful and enticing as the idea-world is, I've admitted to myself that it's also dangerous. I barely know anything about it. What is it, dream or hallucination or simulation? How did it come into existence? How did my getting struck be lighting allow me to see these worlds? I don't know. I have never known. And me being pregant, that's another thing I don't know anything about.

If I can get pregnant in the idea-world, I can get killed as well. Just like a drug addict goes so deeply into the drug that they destroy themselves, I will go so deep into this unreal world that I wind up cold and stiff, dead with a dead baby inside me.

This will probably be the last time I visit the idea-world. Even if the creator doesn't kick me out, I have to force myself to cut it off, to never come back.

Stay tuned.

Should I go back in?

I've been back to my Church to check all my hardware. It's fine; everything is still running. I could plug in and go back into Nerdvana whenever I wanted. But I'm scared to. I'm pregnant with the baby of a virtual person; how can I look at the ram-people? Hell, I don't even know who the father is. I didn't exactly single out any of them for my sexual experiments. Was it the first one I tried? How will I find him?

I had a creepy-ass idea that I don't even want to think about too much. A possible, horrific explanation for how I could be pregnant. As far as I know, there's only one other real person in the idea-world: the man who generated it. The creator. He's real. And I'm quite sure that's he's been screwing his creations left and right. What if the program somehow absorbed his you-know-what and kept it preserved, maybe in the form of code? And then, when I did some screwing with my own, what if his seed, as it were, was implanted into me? What if it's HIS kid?

Please let that not be the case. I can't talk to him, can't let him see me. How would I ever explain myself? "Hi, I've been hanging out in your virtual world, just because I enjoy it. I've also been fucking your virtual people. Yeah, they're fun to fuck, aren't they? We've both done plenty of that, right? And that's why I'm now carrying your kid."

Awwwwwkward.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I should just peek, just take a quick look into the idea-world to see if everything is the same. I'm assuming it is. And I want to go back, like any addict wants to go back. I'm scared, but I want to be in that other world again so badly....

Addiction

Hi. I'd almost forgot about this blog. I've been kind of......busy? Well, busy in a life-destroying kind of way.

I'm trying to quit. Trying to pull out of the idea-world. Because I got addicted. It's a drug, it really is. Blue knows drugs, but Blue does not know addiction. You can't know addiction, no one can. It's unknowable. Like Brahmin. Only more head-explodey.

I've been away from my Church, from the idea-world. Holed up at Comet's place, letting her fuss over me. I've kind of been a wreck. I went in too far. God, I went in too fucking far. I crossed lines I should not have crossed. The idea-world, so unreal, so lovely in its shiny, artificial way. A drug for the senses, that's all it is. I can't believe I got in so deep!

You're going to think I'm such a whore. But after my last post, I started really trying to communicate with the fake natives, the ram-people. They're sheep, of course...no personalities, no nothing, just gorgeous, androgynous looks. But that means they're totally passive and will do whatever you want. Tug them here, order them there. They obey. They're empty vessels needing a real person to fill them. And I filled them. Yeah, I filled them.

Yeah. I did it. It sprung from pure curiosity, a fleeting urge to know what the ram-people looked like under their clothes. Turned out they definitely had human parts, and even though you can't easily tell when they're clothed, they do come in male and female versions. So I......took advantage. It wasn't rape, okay? They're not real! They're just part of the unknown code that makes up the idea-world! And besides, they never resisted. In fact, they really got into the swing of things. The creator of the world must have made them that way...I picture him hosting huge orgies. Pervert.

Heh, yeah. Pot calling the kettle black. I thought it was harmless! It was good sex, and I told myself it meant nothing. But that was just me justifying myself. One thing an addict can always do is justify....and justify....until something happens that you can't shrug off.

I'm pregnant.

And it's real. Not just a phantom, artificial fetus in the idea-world. I'm pregnant in the real world too. I don't know how this happened. Yeah, I've had a fuckton of unprotected sex in the last month, but again, it was with people who AREN'T REAL. Oh, God, what if they are? What if the idea-world has always been real? I thought it was some kind of simulation, but....

Fuck.

You probably thought I was a guy, didn't you? Well, fuck you, Blue does not recall ever disclosing her gender, not explicitly. I hate having to admit to it....no, I don't hate being a woman, but I do enjoy the anonymity of the hacker. People assume I'm male. But now....

Comet still doesn't know. I've told her I had a one-night stand with some dude. She's playing the nursemaid, skirting around the issue of what the fucking fuck I'm going to do now. Abort it? Keep it? Is it even real? Am I going to give birth to a stream of code, ones and zeros streaming from my vagina like some hentai nightmare? Jesus.

I'm scared.